I feel crap.
Not hungover, that would be too obvious. But I “gave in”, succumbed, fell down, …. There are so many words for it but I feel I only have one.
I didn’t drink but I have taken a few diazepam I acquired and stashed from my GP. So it’s better than a bottle of vodka, although I still have a huge craving for alcohol. But it has added a fuzzy haze to slow me down. Why?
Not without good reason but doesn’t everyone have one of those? A time, place or event where it’s all too much and you can’t see any other way to get through? Well no one died, the world didn’t collapse, but I found myself in a situation I could deal with. Emotionally.
Normally I’d have drunk, and drunk a lot, just to escape those feelings. This time, three months abstinent I tried to ride them out. And failed.
The long story short….my ex and my beautify baby boy who is 4 years old came to stay at my flat for a couple of days. Whilst my life has been a really lonely struggle for years, and especially these last few sober months, theirs has been …. Well let’s just say a lot more fun, more sociable, more supported, and a world away from mine. Literally as my ex took my son to live in Germany.
So Friday was spent buying in masses of food, cleaning and getting nervous. They arrived early evening and the ‘fun’ started when it was suggested we go to the pub for dinner. I didn’t want to make a big thing of the fact I’ve not been able to step inside a pub since becoming abstinent…and so we went to my local.
Deep breath. I got through it. It wasn’t easy but I was happily distracted by my son and generally because it was all very strange. But I didn’t cave in and drink at the time, and I didn’t take any drugs. It was ok!!!
Saturday was Fun, with just me and my son, when I the evening just before my ex was on her way out ‘on the lash’ she dropped the bombshell that she is seeing someone and it “might be serious”. Hard to hear, very hard, but none of my business.
Or is it? I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel or act? Getting drunk would have allowed me to process the news and my understanding of it, in a way that I don’t know how to do now. I don’t know what to say or how to behave.
I’m upset, hurt and I feel more alone than ever but that’s not her fault. It’s mine, but is is really bad, does it hurt more because I’m not drinking or would drinking help?
Either way as she went out to party and my son slept soundly in y bed I took some diazepam. Failed to cope with it all straight. And that was after a box of chocolate biscuits and ice cream.
It was a fitful night but I decided I’d never drink or take drugs whilst with my son. So I got through today with him, playing, trying to stay in the moment and savour it. But it’s so hard.
Again, is it because I’m not drinking that it’s worse?
So as my amazing son, and my ex waved from my balcony flat I got into a taxi to head to the airport to fly to Germany. The irony of me having to go there for work, whilst they usually live there but are temporarily in the UK wasn’t lost on me.
More diazepam taken.
Nonsense of relief, no insights, no relief from alcohol cravings, nothing feels better. Things do feel a bit fuzzier and so it’s time to sleep on the plane and start again tomorrow. As long as I can still get through without any more drugs…and hopefully no alcohol.
But this is the closest I’ve been to lapsing, relapsing, call it what you will. I can’t do this today without something. And there’s no one but me to rely on.