It may be coming up to 3 years since I last had a drink but this just shows you can never truly relax your guard. I have gone weeks at a time not even thinking about drinking but since early today I have been really struggling, craving an escape, not wanting a drink, but to be drunk I suppose.

And there is the message to myself. There is no running away anymore.

Today was always a trigger day for me, a day charged of emotion but out of my control. I am in a situation I just have to accept, and even after all this time I don’t want to accept, I don’t want to feel. My mind has wandered onto whether it would be ok to indulge in other ways.

I have done the whole sugar thing, for the last two days I have troughed my way through chocolates and biscuits, I have skipped going to the gym, I have skipped  going for a run, I have skipped meals, I have skipped everything and been left stuck with my emotions with a dose of guilt and self pity.

I know I can ride it out. Some days all the sane and sober advice in the world counts for shit. Logically I know I should talk to someone even though a meeting is logistically impossible, but there is no one. I know I should engage in something healthy and energetic, but I am paralyzed with apathy for life.

The one lesson, the one message I keep telling myself is just get through today, one day at a time. It is such a cliché…but it is true. It will get better, hopefully tomorrow…if not then the day after, or the day after that. It is not worth drinking.

Never assume you have cracked it. Demons lurk in the shadows ready to pounce.

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